Yay- I win…kinda

Phew, after 3 weeks I have finally managed to backup my data and reformat my hard disk. What a mission. The big hold up was getting hold of something to back up on. I tried getting a hard disk of a friend, but his had died the week before. Then I realized that I could back up on the church computer, but had to work out why I couldn’t use an Ethernet cable in Mac OS safe mode (because of the user profile on the other side), and how to use firewire target disk mode (very cool and very fast). Ha ha, even in all that I still had to go through my disk and see what was worth saving.

So now it’s all-better. Except that I have to remember all the little tweaks that Gus told me about, and reinstall a few programs. I’m quite lucky that I only had a few things to restore. Pity about messenger though. It’s being dumb. Apparently MSN for Mac is now run through MSN.com. Or something like that.

So yay for a clean slate.

The funny thing about not having a computer for the past 3 weeks has been two-fold. Firstly, I’ve done a lot more study. Secondly I’ve had heaps to blog about. I won’t bore you with the first, except to say that I learnt a lot about ECGs (the funny things that go ‘bip’ in hospital and reading X rays since I’ve been back. But I guess the time that I’ve been back is what I really want to talk about.

Being in Dunedin was cool. I got to do heaps of things that I really loved about Dunedin. Hanging out with CEers, doing random things, having coffee with people, catching up with people from the lab, playing Risk, laying down some starcraft with Gus, seeing a movie with Sam and J, going to buy flowers with Dave, spending time with the girls upstairs and so on. However the hardest, but probably best thing was that I also got to spend a lot of time alone with God.

I started to explore issues I have with boundaries, and how being conscientious influenced that. How sometimes people had to be disappointed so the game was played according to God’s will. Its one of those things that’s kinda hard to articulate because I’m not entirely sure of all the theory myself, but it does encourage me what I’m finding out at the moment.

Another thing that was raised was my response to so-called “authority”. Carmi mentioned that I had an issue with the 40 days of purpose. It was kind of an issue, but more of raising a point. But I won’t try defend it if it offended any one. But I do have an uncertainty about it. Same thing with some Christian TV and I used to feel the same about Hillsongs. Dunno, its almost a grating feeling on the inside rather than any particular disagreement over theology or anything (as far as I’m aware). I’m not sure why I feel so aggravated by these things sometimes. People have suggested that it’s a spirit of rebellion (which is funny considering the conscientious side of me), others have suggested that its because I can be negative looking sometimes. I think part of it is because I’ve been trained to critically appraise everything (SKEPTIC!) and partly because I do like to make my own decisions about stuff, even if that decision is to let someone else decide (like God). I do find it quite ironic sometimes especially since the mentioned things are trying to bring people closer to God, same as me. I even quite enjoy Hillsongs songs. I’ve found that if I experience something then I’ll be firmer in my feelings about things. For instance, I quite like Hillsongs now, but still really dislike a lot of Christian TV. So with this in mind, I decided to try a Christian healing evangelist on Saturday.

I felt bad going because I was honestly going as a skeptic. Don’t get me wrong- I know that God is powerful enough and willing to heal people. I also believe that prayer definitely can heal people. And I’m sure that people got healed on Saturday when he prayed. He’s a proven healer and miracle worker. So what’s my problem? I don’t know. The words of knowledge grated- almost as if there was some sort of control/manipulation thing going on. Some of the teaching on healthy well being was spine cringing. Maybe it’s the doctor in me feeling threatened. Thankfully, the medical profession didn’t get painted in its usual villain-stance. In spite of this small joy, I felt pretty unbelieving about the whole thing, and felt worse that everyone else was saying how good the teaching was etc (even though I’m sure that some of them weren’t cause I did it too). Ironically, I have participated in, even partaken in some of the very stuff that I’m complaining about.

And I don’t have any answers to it. I only have relief. I was praying yesterday morning about the healing guy (who I am going to have a chat to my pastor about, cause I’m not processing it too well, and I’d hate for my unbelief to have any affect on this guys ministry. A kingdom divided…). But God showed me Mk 3- “is it lawful to do good on the Sabbath” and I just started thinking about what does the path matter as long a God is glorified? I mean- does it matter whether a person is healed by medical means or spiritual? It does matter that they are healed and that it was by God. So currently I have peace on the issue at the moment, but I’m sure the issue will come up many times before I finally get to heaven and I can get the full story.

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Dunedin (1)
This is not a guarantee that I'll blog again from Dunedin. More a safe guard that if I can't think of any new titles, at least I'll have something up my sleeve. So here I am sitting at Sam's computer, listening to Life FM (Love it!), and wondering why I ever left.

Actually I was really glad that I left after a walk around town yesterday. There really is nothing here. Well that's not quite true. There are the people. Be they ex-flatties, church people or old friends, Dunedin is desirable because of the people. Everything else, nada.

So I flew down from Wellington to Christchurch yesterday. Christchurch (although I said it was growing on me), was very discouraging. It was cloudy, wet, and we had 2 attempts at landing. In contrast Dunedin turned it on. It was crisp, sunny, and there was not a cloud in the sky. Dan picked me up from the airport. It was good to see him, it's been way too long. We went for a hot chocolate at St Clair and talked while watching the waves crash in. Its always a priviledge talking with Dan- such deep conversations about God, interspersed with random moments. We then took a sneak peek at church before cruising up to Royal Tce. After a pray and some greasies, Dan left for a nap and I wandered into town, catching J on the hill on the way up. Nothing really impressive, except that I saw a couple of my Wellington class mates around town. Can't escape huh?

Headed back up to the flat where Sam, Dave and Jo were round. It was good to catch up. Sam and I burnt stuff (including an old copy of my thesis which was lying round), and Dave showed me his photos from Indonesia. I was also introduced to the foosball table. Popped up to see Lydia and Emma E helped me get the mattress down stairs. Dave H cooked up a storm with the BBQ and then I watched some of the filming of J and Sam's short movie. Gus came home in this time from the hospital, and we caught up before Rach B and Mike R came round. Rach had organised a random mission to the beach at night time- I had nothing better to do, and I miss the random missions.

After convincing Gus to come along too (I know, 4 med students- dumb huh?), we headed out to the beach. It was dark, a little windy and very cool. While we were there, we climbed over the rocks, into the caves, and tried to get round the cliffs, but ended up getting very wet. It was a fantastic mission. Tired, wet, and sandy we came back to Sam and J still filming. Such is the price of art!

Woke up earlyish this morning- it was grey and cloudy (Yuk!). My iBook decided to pack a spaz and die so I had to take it down to Magnamac. It was unfortunate that I had to carry copies of my thesis as well. My bag was so heavy. I was glad to get rid of bits throughout my journeys. I got another copy of my thesis bound for the lab, dropped off my computer, and then went to a computer room to do something for my assignment. I figure that everyone has there own lives so I should at least make the most of my time that I'm not spending with people. So I did some med work. I had forgotten how busy computer rooms can get. I also bumped into Paul Rodley, which was a pleasnat surprise.

At about that time, when your stomach starts rumbling, you want food. So using all my animal instincts I went up to med cafe with the intention of satisfying my hunger. Unfortunately I didn't feel like anything there. I did bump into Grant, Martin (Brent's bro), Jono and Rach (again). That was cool. But I was still hungry. Oddly, in complete denial of my current desires, I decided to check out 1pm (new and improved. I just listened- it was pretty cool. And, I only really knew 1 person out of 5 there. It was pretty cool to see that it had moved on. It was also inside which was nice as the weather had really come over by then. After getting some food from the Link, I went and submitted my fully hard bound thesis. What a monkey of my back. Although I'm still really proud of it, it was satisfying to feel that its finally done.

I then had the pleasure of Mel's company for a bit. Had coffee, met her flatmates and just hung out. I then went to Dan's life group, which was cool, I am so jealous of what is in Dunedin. Not that Wellington Cutting Edge is bad- it's just that Dunedin CE is so good. Especially that group of guys. And after months of invites, I finally got to Ceroc dancing. It was cool, definitely something to try in Wellington. After that, Scott came over which was cool. Pity bout the quality of the fooseball, but hey it's all good.

Hmm, its now 10 and I feel like chips. But can I be bothered going to get any. Not really.

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Ching Chong Chinaman
At First Mondays tonight, a combined Wellington church prayer meeting, I was asked to pray for the Asian people of NZ. Now this was like that game where you are asked to speak spontaneously for 30 seconds about a topic that is chosen for you just prior. But in front of ~100 people. I know nothing about Asian people, and have only prayed for them when I've been involved with them- ie when I had the bicultural bible study a month or so ago. So it was completely in God's hands. I actually wish I knew why I said yes. I think it was because someone next to me suggested it could be me.

And then God did something cool. I just started praying about how different it felt being Asian in a Western country, and that was true for both locals and migrants. About how having different physical features made it hard for Asian people to connect sometimes because of those differences and how we were strangers in a strange land. Then that lead on to God having created those differences and that Jesus could still identify with Asians as He was still their creator, Lord and Saviour despite the fact that He was a Jew and a "Western" God. Or something like that. (Sorry, my memory is somewhat fuzzy on the issue).
Despite the roughness of it all, I stepped down to an applause, and several people came up and said what a cool prayer it was afterwards. It was all God. And He started to work something in me up on that stage.

As I drove home, I further reflected on what it meant to be Asian. I'd always struggled with it internally. I think one of my earliest memories was wishing that I wasn't Asian to fit better in with the White and Maori kids at school. Because I am a local chinese, I didn't really fit in with the chinese-speaking crowd at the functions my parents took us to either. So I felt really out of place. After being told to "Go home" enough times, I think I came to the conclusion that I didn't have a home. This really hurt.

Time passed however, and at Primary school I soon made friends who didn't really care too much what I looked like, but what I did and who I was. There was another Asian, a Cambodian refugee, but we were still the cultural minority. It probably didn't help that we were both good at maths and sucked at sport, but it always felt there was always that underlying cultural stigma. Even as I fell into new (although still predominantly white) groups of friends I was still the "smart Asian kid" . (Unfortunately- although I was glad at the time, I didn't learn piano too.)

It's funny, but another cultural stereotype helped me gain some confidence as a kid. Getting glasses allowed me to be successful at new things-like sport. This gained you some confidence with the other kids and by Intermediate when everyone was a little more established in their lives I think I was happy hanging out with kids of all cultures without feeling inferior. I was also able to get in to drama and choir

This slow progression of accepting my heritage was quiet quickly shattered in 4th for (14-15) by a group of wannabe skin-heads. They took great delight in making my life unpleasant despite my best efforts and those of my friends. It still really hurt at being accused of eating someone's dog or being spat on while someone marched around with a Nazi salute. I even stormed out of class one day because one of them got to me so much. Although the teachers were told, and the appropriate punishment was given, I have to confess that nothing was sweeter than catching out one of the main protagonists in softball. It was probably one of my best catches and remains significant to this day.

So I had fully assimilated myself into "white culture" and after establishing that my family actually had been in NZ for a long time and that my english is good because its all I know, people were (and still are) pretty good. But I still found myself unable to connect with migrant Asians. Despite 5 years of Japanese study, the occasional chinese school study and trips to Chinese shows with my parents and grandparents, I never really got into it. At Uni this was harder still. Just after I got saved, all I got were invitations from Asian Christian groups who I had no intention of joining. I remember Joseph Ko coming to my room one time. It was funny as he soon worked out that I was only Asian in skin, not culture. Even at Elim, people tried putting me in the Asian box. I found that really hard to deal with. Even after meeting cool locals like Nicola and Dan (and Kristy- even though she's from HK!) who shared the struggle, it still kinda hung as a bug bear.

One of the good things about it though was that it made me meet some very cool Asians and I was able to get over a lot of my own stuff. People like Soo Sian, Jen Lin (although not really til last year), Jane, Mel, Dave L, Nam, Bibs, Ruth and many others have shown me that its actually cool to be Asian. Meeting Irene, Nancy and Rocky and some of their friends this year has also helped. And I'm slowly beginning to appreciate my Asian roots. Even if it means having Jane, Mel, Bibs and Soo Sian tear what little pride you have in your Cantonese to shreds on the way home from a camp last year aye? Recently I've been saying that I'm genetically Chinese, but ethnically Western, to reflect where the balance probably lies at the moment.

And tonight built on that. The revelation that God created us as we are and that there is wholeness in that. That even though we can look and behave incredibly different from everyone else, its the same God that lives and reigns in us (or not). That He paid the same price for every person without taking their culture or genetic descent into account. That although my Asian brothers and sisters maybe quieter, have more or less money, have better electronics or quirkier dress sense, they actually are very cool people. I may learn something about myself.


P.S. Did you know one of the Backstreet Boys is a Christian? Pity it doesn't make the music any more palatable.

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